Newsflash: MPD officer stands up for cyclist' rights to ride two abreast!
Now here's the dope. Fearless leader Steve and I, having been summarily dropped by our teammates and left to fend for ourselves, found out the hard way that some people just don't like cyclists. We were riding along on Lake Drive just minding our own business when by what chance we happened upon another rider of the opposite sex. Having noticed our flash new team kit, said rider of opposite sex felt compelled to inquire of our very handsome selves. As it happens, the woman was freshly installed in our fair city from where else but Amsterdam. You know, that cool city in Holland, as in Cafe Hollander... So it wasn't really our handsome selves she was inquiring after, but her desire to find out more about this Cafe Hollander place we were advertising.
Being the helpful, sponsor mindful and all around swell guys that we are, we were more than happy to ride along with her and tell her all about this wonderful Cafe Hollander place. Besides, what's better than riding along the lakefront on a lovely day talking with an attractive Dutch girl? Too bad it was about to turn as ugly as a hatfull of arseholes. The setup was that I was on the inside, nice Dutch girl was in the middle, and Fearless Leader Steve was on the outside. As Fearless Leader Steve was riding just on the lane line, a car coming up from behind decided to slow down before passing us. This all happened on the stretch of Lake Drive across from Lake Park where there is a full curb lane as well as a full traffic lane- just so you get the story straight. Anyway, as soon as the car slowed down to pass us, the next car, a Ford Explorer XLT, Wisconsin licsense plate 646435 as it happens, started to lay on the horn. He was apparently in a big ole' hurry to get to the golf store. How do I know that, you ask? 'cuz he was wearing a hat that said PING, which is crap for the world's most useless "sport".
Mr. PING, as he will now forever be known, felt it his duty to inform Fearless Leader and myself about the "rules of the road". Mr. PING was EXTREMELY sure that cyclists MUST ride single file no matter what, and clearly was EXTTREMELY upset by the fact that we were not actually riding single file. Being the informative guys that we are, we tried to explain to Mr. PING that this was not the case, and that Wisconsin Law allows us to ride two abreast so long as we are not impeding traffic. Mr. PING reeeeeeally didn't like being told this. In a flurry of invective, he gunned the accelarator, and turned on to Park Street where he promptly gunned the brake pedal as he decided he wasn't done telling us about the "Rules of the Road" yet. I'm still unclear on what rules he was trying to get across by screaming, as loud as he could in Steve's face, spit flying, that we were IGNORANT. Ignorant !@$%^& (*&%# (&^$#9! And that we were all dressed up gay like in our tight colorful clothes. Of course we know that. Duh.
Mr. PING was by this time so upset that it appeared his head might just explode if he kept screaming. Or maybe his heart would give up seeing as how his "sport" is golf which means his heart just doesn't get much of a workout. Except maybe when he screaming about the golf cart ahead of him or something, but I digress. Mr. PING then gunned the accelorator again, nearly clipping my wheel; now I was gonna get upset and whipped out my phone to threaten to call 911. Mr. PING didn't like that prospect ONE BIT, and, I'm not making this up here, slammed on the brakes, threw his truck in reverse and aimed directly for us. Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I was able to jump out of the way before becoming one with the Explorer, as was Fearless Leader. Now it was time to call 911 for real.
As I was speaking with the 911 dispatcher, Mr. PING must have concluded that indeed he was STILL not done explaining the "Rules of the Road" to us, and showed up again. I just held out my phone so that the dispatcher could have a nice listen to Mr. PING. Admittedly he was calmer by this time, but clearly still upset. I invited him to stick around and have a chat with us until the police arrived but he though the better of that idea, jumped back into his car, and gunned the accelorator once again. I think he used up about ten gallons of gas repeatedly doing this.
After a short time, Officer Friendly arrived on the scene to investigate the altercation. This is where the news flash comes in. The first thing he said to us, after hearing a brief description of what happened, is that WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO RIDE TWO ABREAST WHERE WE WERE. Ooooh, vindication feels so good. He obviously had better things to be doing, but appreciated us taking the time to call in. He promised to have a nice chat with Mr. PING and perhaps direct him to some anger management classes. Or maybe to play a real sport which would no doubt help with his issues as well. At some point in the conversation with Officer Friendly, who really was friendly, we got to talking about an officer's right to use lethal force. I asked him whether Mr. PING's vehicle qualified as a deadly weapon, and he assured me that it did. I then asked whether it would have been OK for me to whip out my Glock 9mm from my jersey pocket and shoot the f*cker dead. He was amused, but told me that he just didn't want to write up a report for that today.
Oh, and the Dutch girl? I think she decided take her bike right back to where she bought it, and grab the next flight back to Amsterdam where this kind of stuff JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.
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